Mens 5 vs NPL M2

Evening all

Lovely to be back to winning ways, isn’t it? And apart from that inexplicable first ten minutes, we made this one look pretty easy.

Starting late, playing on the worst pitch in the league, and (in my case) having a particularly large hangover, may have all contributed to our slow start. I’m not 100% what happened but it appeared that our entire team forgot hockey is a game played with a ball, rather than some kind of chopping game where you have to smash the oppo’s stick in half with yours.

But the good news is we did finally remember the rules, pulled ourselves together, and got on top of the game. And once we calmed down and composed ourselves, we started playing some really lovely hockey.

Their fullbacks weren’t the best players, it has to be said, and we enjoyed quite a lot of success cutting in against them. They only really had one danger player, and we contained him all game. So it ended up being a pretty comfortable one, where the only shortcoming was that we didn’t help our goal difference as much as we could have, thanks to a certain amount of profligacy in front of goal, and possibly the worst decision ever made by a match official in the history of sport.

Anyway, here’s how you lot got on:

Spike: happily had very little to do. To be honest, I’m writing this on Sunday evening and I’m still not feeling great. So kudos to you lot for helping me out.

Rob: the main reason their danger man (boy?) up front didn’t really get a sniff is because Pringo stuck to him like glue. NPL didn’t offer a lot by way of support for the forwards, but Rob did the man marking thing flawlessly. Another clean sheet to go in the notebook next to the accounting textbooks and stamp collections (I’m guessing here).

Dave F: with Rob taking care of the marking, Dave could concentrate on covering space and getting balls wide. Another decent passing game from the Farmster, and the usual couple of calm and collected interceptions in the D. They didn’t get in there often, and Dave was the main reason why. Extra marks for sweating in weird places.

Maj: another pretty relaxed game for His Maj. Their RW seemed a bit nervous about getting in our half - perhaps he’d heard the rumours about Mr Azam - so defensively there wasn’t much to do. But I still think Maj might be the best stopper of a ball in our team. Also passed inside when required, stood up to his man better, and played good intelligent hockey all game. Extra mum points for buying tupperware for the jelly babies.

Dave D: outstanding performance despite the non-regulation attire. Identified early doors by the oppo as our danger man but there was little they could do. Pretty much everything went through Double D, as usual, and he only loses marks for that terrible shirt, and for being absolutely outrun in a flat foot race by their fella with the glasses.

Tom N: absolutely fair play to Tom for getting up for this game when we all know his knees have the structural integrity of wet cardboard these days. But he came through okay and actually made a massive contribution. The tackling and blocking we’ve come to expect, but I loved the way he just glided past defenders when running at the NPL D. Liquid hockey.

Tom B: Best game of the season from TB. Thought he got involved all over the park, made himself available, joined the dots up for us, and looked particularly strong at full back. Nice clear calling and some decent stick work in there, Tom’s proving to be a veritable Swiss Army knife for the 5s. We will see what his quiz knowledge is like at the weekend…

Earl: after conceding 18,457 fouls for stick tackles in the first nine minutes, Early soon settled down and started playing his game. Super controlled, calm and deadly accurate, Earl really helped flesh out the midfield, and was the catalyst for the very many chances we had. Grabbed a goal and some MoM nominations to boot. Vintage performance from Epsom’s very own Tom Hanks lookalike.

Rich: absolute monster of a game. The lad has a genuine engine, and he didn’t stop all game. But don’t be fooled, Rich has skills alongside his tenacity, and I thought he played a great all-round game. Unlucky not to get on the scoresheet, but must be on the leaderboard for assists. Really looking forward to seeing more of this in 2025.

Dan: ridiculously strong showing for multiple reasons. His running off the ball was relentless - direct and with pace into space; he played with a seriously mature hockey brain, calling confidently and wanting the ball left, right and centre; and he looked a real threat going forward demonstrating skills I believe today’s youngsters refer to as ‘cold’. Rightly received some MoM nods.

Alex: complete game from Scotty, dropping back to collect the ball one minute and driving back with it the next. If we’d scored from the pb starting the second half - when Alex picked the ball up on the halfway line, went on a slalom run beating 18 players, and then threaded the fittest through-ball of all time - that would have won goal of the season, and we’ve still got 11 games to go. NPL had to resort to paramilitary-style kneecapping to stop him scoring a hat trick. A very close MoM silver medal.

Lawrence: most teams in this league would give anything to have a Lawrence in their side. But we’ve already got ours, and he pulled out another performance from the posh pants drawer. I literally cannot believe he didn’t get a hat trick - he totally deserved one for a hugely energetic performance. MoM shouts again, and it seems only deranged umpires can stop the lad Marsh. Extra marks for the team photo gangsta poses.

Harry Flack: a player who very accurately reflected this whole game, and in fact my second driving test in 1993. After a slightly nervy start Harry took this game by the scruff of its neck. I absolutely love the casual, languid style, ghosting past players, and creating running lanes from right back and right half. A very handy addition this week, and a deserved MoM winner. Congratulations Mr Flack, you have passed your test. Here are your keys to the 5sMobile.

So well done all. 5-0 could possibly have been 8-0, but we got the points and we put in a decent performance, and they’re the important things. Let’s finish this half of the season with another W, and then we’ll see where we are in the new year.

Speaking of which, can you get your availability down for next week v OKs asap please? It’s the last game of 2024 so let’s go out with a bang. Let’s see if we can get a really strong squad out and show the rest of the league we continue to mean business.

Last thing: it would be lovely to have a couple more people join our quiz team on Saturday. I’m obviously a literary giant, but you should see the state of the rest of the team. Plus a hockey club is as much about the social life as the sports, so do come down if you can, maybe with some kind of amusing hat. I believe there are prizes. Check Teamo for details.

See you all at the weekend or at training if you’re that way inclined.

Spike