Mens 5 vs Old Kingstonian M2

Grab a packet of Digestives and get comfortable because …it’s match report time!

And it’s another happy one as we swept Old Kingstonians aside, much like Saturday’s storm did to the fence panel at the bottom of my garden. Ultimately not pretty but effective all the same. 

Conditions weren’t ideal - a continual 45 mph nor’westerly direct from Iceland, the worst pitch in Surrey, and floodlights with all the luminescence of six asthmatic fireflies. But we had a pretty decent team out, and were heading into a six week break, so there were plenty of reasons to feel confident assuming we put the work in. 

And the first ten minutes were absolute gold. 98.3% possession according to the patented Spike Possessionometer, which I occasionally bring along to matches. We played some lovely stuff, especially up the right, and looked absolutely dominant. 

The first sub changes seemed to unbalance us a little bit, and truth be told, even though we were on top throughout and the result wasn’t ever in doubt, we never rediscovered the fluency we had at the start, and the game did deteriorate into a bit of a slopfest at times. Not helped by the conditions, for sure, nor the standard of the oppo, who had their moments but seemed so intimidated by us their main attacking strategy was to close their eyes, hit the ball as hard as they could from the half way line and retreat into defensive formation. It was like playing Rotherham United in an FA Cup match when they’re desperate for the replay cash. The OKs bus was duly parked. 

Maybe I’m being a bit harsh - and don’t get me wrong, some of our triangles were fab, and we looked engaged and energised throughout - but this wasn’t a vintage 5s performance. We looked a little bit rushed at times, we didn’t always keep hold of the ball even when there was zero pressure on us, and some of our passing was puzzling when simpler options were available. 

But I can’t complain. Another three points and another three goals. Plus another clean sheet, mainly because we defended very efficiently, but also thanks to matey with the pony tail deciding to wear his Adidas Sambas instead of a decent pair of astro boots. 

Here’s the lowdown:

Spike: still appears to be better outside the D than inside it, but had a good day all round: Orient won away, we won v OKs, and I think it’s safe to say Spike absolutely owned the Christmas quiz. Strong contender for boffin of the season, if nothing else. 

Bish: solid stuff from the Reverend again this week. It makes such a massive difference having a full back who is so mobile - the transitions from back to front and vice versa are so much stronger, and I loved how Matt got into position so quickly. Have our 16s ever been so easy? Got a few MoM nods, with good reason. 

Tom N: very assured step into the CB role from Mr Tickle’s longer-armed cousin. Lots of helpful chat and really good positioning in an otherwise comfortable game against, let’s be honest, a pretty toothless opposition. This allowed Tom to get up and support the midfield more, and his link up play was spot on. Loses points for having a social life the one evening we try and put a quiz team together, as he looks like he might be quite intelligent. 

Dave F: marshalled the back four very effectively without having to do too much. Got in his standard two or three steals when OKs did finally get near our goal, but for the most part Dave just very efficiently supported the midfield by making 100% passes or reversing play. Another quiz deserter, but since there weren’t any rounds on real ale, non-league football and dogging, it was no real loss (is this right?).

Maj: defensively very sound against their right winger, mopping up and providing an outlet down the left, but perhaps a bit guilty of forcing passes that weren’t always on. But I liked the positivity and attack-mindedness, and I’m looking forward to seeing more overlapping forays into the oppo half. Quiz night performance suggests a few nights in with an encyclopaedia might be of use. Also surely the teams worst drinker. 

James: thought James had a really strong game even when we started to lose a bit of shape and coherence. Always really good on the ball, I love the directness and confidence. When he doesn’t breeze past players he draws fouls, and he put in a decent stint at left back too. MoM shouts ensued despite the hangover. Props for driving up from the middle of nowhere, swerving falling trees, navigating floodplains, and avoiding flying trampolines etc. 

Tom B: post-match consensus was that the lad had a decent game, and I thought Tom was really good at the hard stuff today - getting stuck in and winning the ball back for us all across the midfield. Passing was more hit and miss, but played better when we calmed down and kept shape. Looking more comfortable every game. Extra marks for coming up with a couple of stonking answers at the quiz, and modelling a pretty natty Christmas jumper. 

Clarky: good things happen when Clarky plays because he has a ginormous hockey brain and excellent instincts. Some decent players are good because they do good things individually; Clarky is good because he involves everyone around him. When we did knuckle down and play dangerous hockey around their D it was normally CC who was generating the pressure, and he scored a lovely, thoroughly well-deserved goal, to boot. 

Lee: another really energetic and skilful display from Lee, with loads of great little runs and direct in-your-face hockey. OKs didn’t really know what to do with him, and unfortunately - and frustratingly for Lee - their strategy was to simply become as obstructive and physical as possible. To some degree it worked, but it lowered the general quality of the game as it became harder to play quick skilful hockey around their D. But a decent shift from Lee, regardless. 

Lawrence: same story really for Big Lols. Started really brightly, and kept the energy levels up for the whole game. Gave their LB fits over and over again and sent a load of decent balls into the box, but when Lawrence was in the D himself the simple 45° balls didn’t quite emerge for him. Keeper had a good game, admittedly, but it all means our top scorer was limited to the same number of goals as Maj got answers in the quiz. 

Jack: at the risk of repeating myself, this lad has a phenomenal sense of positioning, which is something that’s hard to teach. Balls find their way to Jack in the way that incontinent birds find whichever tree I choose to park under, i.e. very easily and amazingly frequently. Jack’s task now is to turn that possession into killer passes forwards, or ball-keeping passes backwards. Extra marks though for being by some distance the drunkest man at the quiz. 

Rich: usual energetic, disruptive and combative midfield display, woven through with lovely bits of skill and creativity, Rich had an effective game against a very defensive side. Loses points though for being through on goal not once but twice with only the keeper to beat, and choosing to trebuchet the ball into next week the first time (and missing!) and choosing to pass back the second time. Just flippin hit the target, Rich!!

Tony: late addition to the side, Tony is one of the real quality players at the club but suffered in this game from playing too many positions and from the terrible state of the pitch. Did a good job winning and keeping possession and showed his engine, but was frustrated by the compact nature of the OKs defensive set up, and our tendency to lose shape. 

Dave D: stand out performance of the day from an under-the-weather Dunco. You wouldn’t know it. The lad was everywhere, like four midfielders in one, picking balls up from deep, pivoting, passing, moving and driving. DD set up some really good partnerships with whoever was rotating in and off, and overwhelmed the OKs midfield all game. Cried off the quiz but despite that still got this week’s MoM. Congratulations our kidder. 

This was an odd game. Very little in the way of difficulty or challenge, but they’re sometimes the hardest ones to win. You have to be patient and efficient, and we just about had enough spells of doing that to put the game to bed. The fact that I got quite cold in the second half tells its own story, but credit to you guys for keeping going and eventually snuffing them out. 

Shout out to our short corner takers and defenders, too. Bish absolutely humiliated their striker every time by being down his throat before he’d started his down swing. Down the other end I thought our routines were much better - faster, more confident and more creative. Even so, I might get AJ to do a training session specifically on shorties next year, so it’d be good if all our specialists could come down for that one. It’s an area where, if you have a good set of options, it can be the difference between winning and losing. See: OCs. 

You may have noticed I’ve mentioned the quiz night a few times throughout the report. You should have all come down, because I’ve got to say it was an absolutely quality night, really well-attended and very high-spirited, shall we say. And I’m not just saying that because we went and smashed the blimmin thing, although I should point out that we totally did. I guess the 5s just dominate, regardless. 

One last thing: I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for the last few months. It’s been a really enjoyable season so far and most of that is down to you lot. I think we’ve got a really decent bunch of blokes in this squad, who are decent hockey players, and are good at getting their availability down, and I feel I’ve been well supported all season in my first year as captain. I really appreciate all your efforts on and off the pitch, and I’m really excited about coming back in 2025 and pushing for promotion. 

So thanks all, and I hope you all have a fantastic time over Christmas and the new year. Don’t forget our friendly on the 11th, and I’ll see you all on the other side. 

Spike