Mixed vs Bishops Stortford Mixed

Harpenden’s mixed team arrived at the Herts & Essex Sports Centre in fine spirits. The Christmas party the night before had been a roaring success, the squad was nearly at full strength, and team camaraderie was high following some excellent training sessions. Everything was in place. 

Apart from the opposition. There was no sign of Bishop Stortford and the people on Reception at the Herts & Essex Sports Centre advised that the only booking that afternoon was for an Under 10s football party. This was far from ideal. Fixture Secretary, Men’s Club Captain, Teamo Supremo and pretty much everything else, Russell Timms, was contacted and confirmed that we were at the location he’d been given.

Around half an hour later than he should’ve done and with 15 minutes to pushback, captain Adam Cole remembered that he was good mates with the Stortford captain so belatedly decided to give him a call. This clarified two things: 1, that the fixture was to be played at a school 10 minutes down the road (although we had to park the cars so far from the pitch they were probably closer to the original venue the actual one) and 2, that Coley would inevitably be awarded the coveted Non-Gender-Specific Genitalia of The Day award. Which in itself was ironic, because midway through the second half he took a hockey ball to his Non-Gender-Specific Genitalia and his game - and possibly chances of parenthood – came to an end there and then.

Anyway, we got there and after a brief warmup the game got underway. At this point, it is probably worth mentioning the weather: ho-rren-dous. Bitterly cold, with every possible combination of rain, hail, sleet and snow, not helped by a dugout cleverly positioned to face the prevailing wind and with bucket seats deliberately designed to collect icy rainwater. With that in mind, kudos to Ma and Pa Holford for coming to cheer the team on (even though they were actually only there because SOMEONE had driven off with Lilly’s kit in the boot of the car so they had to bring it over. That someone will remain nameless, but for the record, it was Mike). 

Perhaps it was the combination of the conditions, the lengthy car journey and the balls up with the location that gave the mighty whites the determination to produce a stunning performance. 

Harpenden’s blend of highly promising juniors and seasoned pros started at a canter, immediately putting Stortford on the back foot. Mobbsy and Henry seized control of the midfield early on and never relinquished it. Some lovely flowing hockey ensued, underpinned by rock solid defending from Jack and Yaz (yet to find a Brangelina/Bennifer portmanteau for them yet. Jazz, maybe? That’s better than Yack, surely), skipper Coley, Kelsey and the eventual deserved player of the match Charlie K. 

The whites’ flanks were all about the Junior girls. Lilly, Evie, Emily and Amelie had just the right blend of skill, speed, composure and tenacity to be a constant threat offensively, while providing security at the back. It was therefore no surprise when the deadlock was broken, after a great run and dribble and reverse stick strike from Henry.

With pretty much total dominance it seemed a question of ‘how many’, but to keep the game interesting for the spectators, George clevery decided to leave the game on a knife edge by missing countless gilt-edged goalscoring opportunities. George normally has a strike like a rocket but today it was more a case of “Hudson, we have a problem”. Super skills and relentless hard work from his fellow frontmen Flimmsy and Oscar deserved better finishing from their big strike partner, but it wasn’t forthcoming. Five minutes to go before the break, Mobbsy decided to take matters in to her own hands, firing home from a short corner and giving the visitors some deserved daylight (metaphorically, not literally, as by now it was dark).

The central tenet of submaster FT’s very brief halftime contribution was to get on with it quickly and try not to die of hypothermia, so much so the whites forgot to bring out the assortment of fizzy sweets. That said, nobody would have been able to open the packets having lost all feeling in their fingers long ago. 

The second half continued in much the same vein as the first, with Harpenden in control but never quite able to put the game to bed. Indeed, but for Panda producing a couple of fine saves, it could have got a bit squeaky. As the temperature dropped further the conditions got even worse, at one point Oscar responding to encouraging comments from the bench to take his player on by replying. “I can barely feel my hands let alone produce 3-D skills.” By this stage the girls were relishing their time on the bench, taking terms to swaddle themselves in Evie’s mum’s Dry Robe, like modern day Jesuses (Jesi? Editor, please check the plural of Jesus. Thanks). Evie took this a little far, deliberating breaking the zip with her inside in order to maximise her time in the warmth, and having to be surgically removed to take her place back on the right wing.

Anywho… the game ended 2-0 to the Lilywhites, who march onwards. Thanks to Vijay for umpiring, to the fans for their relentless support, to Bishops Stortford for the post-match pizzas back at Venue 1, and to Josh, aged 10, for letting Lilly and Oscar join his birthday party tea while everyone else waited for pizza downstairs.