The month is May 2024. After months of relentless canvassing, fraudulent voting, and various assassination attempts, fate is yet to decide whether the Stubbs Barclay ticket will beat some mysterious “RON” chap to the prestigious role of Canva sec. One heinous and unpublished manifesto later, and they have defied all odds - RON had nothing to say about the economy and general disaffection with the current (non-existent) regime gives Starclay a clear mandate to make @Camunihc great(ish) again. Their first gesture of their despotic power is to coerce each captain to add them to their team’s mailing list in order to ensure selection transparency is upheld on the instagram - (the *ccasional (GDBO) discrepancy between emailed and posted team sheets is just to keep the masses on their toes - sorry beds (editor, insert name of supposedly omitted Bed from last weeks team sheets and issue decently sincere formal apology, cheers X))
Below, leaked classified documents show the regime’s internal analysis of each captain’s weekly email - a Reelsnapshot into what goes on in the ministry of Canva’s internal team sheet surveillance operation.
CLASSIFIED - TEAM SHEET EMAIL SURVEILLANCE DOCUMENTS:
WBlues - General Boz
Excerpt from 3000 word email:
All the best,
Georgia Bozianu
PhD Candidate, General, Dictator, Bitchy When Tired
GDBO IFLTWB ICWTSAFD
MRC Cognition & Brain Sciences Unit
School of Clinical Medicine
University of Cambridge
15 Chaucer Road, Cambridge, CB2 7EF
Ministry of Canva Comments:
‘Finn getting ready to write another team sheet and give himself the best item in whatever he category he’s picked this week’
Rovers - Anon. email sec
Excerpt:
Rovers love,
Not-so-anon email sec and le capitaine (have not had time to read this through so relying on email sec not put anything too toxic in this)
Ministry of Canva Comments:
Delegation (noun): see above example.
Don’t let the masses have too much responsibility, captain, or you might face a r*dical “Revolution” (de Cuba) (a pun on so many levels). (Roverlution!)
@sec sec, is this inspo for a new squandie sec role? (I hope not)
Email from first game of the season didn’t even have a heading - sorry, probably a touchy “subject.”
Otherwise, quality, chat and informativeness has picked up in recent weeks, but supposedly they’ve stopped doing emails and resorted to the gc - ahh, end to end encryption, every surveillance state’s worst nightmare!
Blundies - Adam Harris
Ministry of Canva Comments:
Social media secs have been accused of duplicating random people/inventing people who don’t exist on the Insta team sheets in recent weeks, but you can hardly blame us with the enormous Chelsea Blundies squad. (Although apparently they have too much work for HALLOWEEN SWAP?? Chaps, let's not take the piss here, 8 bees isn't good enough, do better.)
Either way, dropping 12 blokes from Blundies and then spawning another 12 into existence is cold, well played captain Harris.
On a reel one, we love all your team sheets, and it's a pleasure to read them each week, please keep making us laugh/getting us through essay crises! Whose are the best? I guess we’ll never know…
Blewis and Amy, the weekend previews are widely enjoyed, and Pritch’s poetic ballad about how it feels to be 85 years old really tugged at the heartstrings. Any/all guest appearances are definitely welcomed by our club captains - would love to see a fresher POV of CUHC soon…
Lots of passive aggressive love,
Barcling and Stubblington
Self-proclaimed “content creators” (Instagram reel addicts)
PS. great email Starkley, loved it! Only forgot one minor detail this time - the matches tomorrow:
@ wilby:
10:30 Nomads v St Neots 1s
10:30 Squandies v Cam City 3s
12:00 Wandies v Spalding 1s
15:30 MBlues v Wisbech Town
17:30 Blundies v Kettering 2s
Away:
11:00 Rovers v St Ives 2s
13:30 WBlues vs Bedford 1s
17:00 Beds v Pelicans 1s
We will do our best to get back to you as soon as possible.
