Dearest CUHC,
Congrats on all the hockey stuff and mostly making it through alumni weekend! With one toilet repainted and 2 sad alumni stuck in the freezing cold (well done Pritch) it felt good to be back. This Weekend Preview is ghost written by a mystery alumni btw. Condolences to the hockey fresh who saw said mystery alumni in Lola’s. No I shouldn’t have been there yes it won’t happen again. Don’t skip my email because I’m old – there’s a giveaway involved and a 4-for-£10 on the line.
Anyway very soon BDotY is approaching, make that BDotTY as it’s a home BDotY. Get very excited Alex Harrold’s booked Monday off work he’s going to send it so hard. With BDotY comes my favourite ever place (curry king), sup-par costumes, surprising couples cough throuples cough darkhorse cough and of course VARSITY PROFILES. For every humanities student this is the pinnacle of your literacy career, crafting the perfect varsity profile for your teammate takes priority over any deadline.
To give the fresh an idea of what to write we’re going to play a fun game of guess who. Send me all 7 names and a fun fact about yourself to win a £10 revs voucher. (I am 100% serious about this I never joke about revs). Fresh you know at least 6/7.
Mystery player 1
Playing with (x) can be described as a dream,
As she flies across the goal with a save supreme,
Playing with determination and grit,
Perhaps showing off her reverse hit?
We know she would do anything for the team.
But when a night out comes to an end,
She’ll be off making a new emergency services friend.
The fire department might get the call.
Finally, she’ll have seen them all,
Although this might be a streak she’s hoping not to extend.
Serena can save goals for days,
Although some nights might be a bit of a haze,
She’ll put the rads in the bin,
And help us get the win,
Then (x)-eenaw will leave Oxf*rd ablaze.
Mystery player 2
(x) has established himself within the Wandies well this year, quickly becoming a favourite player with teammates and fans alike with a new - usually blonde haired - supporter coming to watch every BUCS away day! Unfortunately, (x) recently sustained an injury that took him out of hockey action - hopefully not all action for the sake of the blonde haired fans… - but that didn’t stop his appearances on the Revs dancefloor, his 100% attendance rate in Michaelmas term was truly impressive. His injury also provided him with a wonderful (and totally coincidental reason) to do his favourite Friday night
activity, PMB-ing, without the risk of heavy fines the next day. Despite his almost natural desire to drink, (x) is an impeccable athlete and takes his nutrition extremely seriously shown best by his post-BUCS game refuelling of 7 VKs and the largest Gardi’s kebab on offer.
Mystery player 3
Silliest fresher going. The evidence lies in her confusion between the Tyne and the Thames but at least her hockey is as liquid as these bodies of water. It does however raise the question, what do they actually learn in Geography? Definitely not the functions of a desk chair but one would hope common sense covers that. She loves to talk back but has nonetheless received fewer green cards than DMs from rugby boys. A testament to her charm even if it wasn’t enough to get past the Lola’s bouncers. Best believe her tackles are as strong as they are. Hockey or not, she never fails to entertain, and I’m sure if she had the same passion for hockey as she did for CURUFC men, she’d be unstoppable. The left/right distinction may be a challenge for her both directionally and politically, but the way she’ll tear up Oxf*rd on Varsity, you won’t be able to tell.
Mystery player 4
Gather round and get comfy, for I’ve got a lot to say,
About our supreme leader, she truly leads the way.
Priorities of course are swaps, after all we are the 2’s,
And how can I write this poem, without mentioning the poos.
In love with all things hockey, especially the men,
Her triplets soon replaced, with our coach, once again!
Kicked out of Lola’s, many nights spent on Whistle steps,
But despite this, somehow, minutes on the line there were no reps.
Her emails are legendary, seems everyone wants to be on the list,
Although it is the first thing she offers, before going in for a kiss.
I should probably mention some hockey, as (x)skills are insane,
She’s led us to victory, in the majority of our games.
So why could it be, that fantasy teams are missing (x)’s name?
Most dods of the season, might just be to blame.
Mystery Player 5
(x) is a vet and a certified horse girl, but when she isn’t lambing or milking cows during her 12 weeks of compulsory placement, she can be found with medic Will and vet Will in revs. With horrific skills at talking to men (often dashing to the loo mid-rizz to chun) and even worse skills at accepting sandwiches from the volunteers outside revs (she hurls abuse at them), let’s hope she is better at communicating with animals! As a cherished defender, her goal saving skills are just as good as her animal life saving skills.
Mystery Player 6
He arrived fresh from the great halls of Winchester, a generational talent from generational wealth. When he’s not wacking balls, he spends his days colouring in. Maybe one day he won’t have to rely on Mummy and Daddy. Never have the Wandies’ balls been in such safe hands, to which anon nomads captain may protest. Being ball sec is his honour, his duty, his meaning. Alas, the answer to life’s age old questions beckons like why are we here? Is there a God? Or where’s (x) airpod? It is at revs where he will usually be, sipping on a VK, two or maybe three. Maybe this time he’ll make it home in one piece, or to his room at the very least. Very soon I shall be signing off. It has been a pleasure introducing the man, myth and legend (x) to you all. Before I go I must let you know that Batten is the greatest PMBer that this world has ever seen. If there is one thing we also know forsure, it’s that (x) owes some VKs to JGreer.
Stats:
Mystery player 7
Still recovering from baldness? often ignores his degree? went on a friendly date to Yo sushi? a proficiency in scoring? why it must be fresher Blewis, returning from the dead! Unfortunately for CUHC it’s (x)…
This sexy man trundles to home matches in the kindly labelled trinmobile instead of cycling the long journey from his distant college. This distance however he often dislikes to cover after club nights, instead preferring the floor with approximately 1 pillow. A true CUHC icon, he knows that a second is always followed by a third in all aspects of life and his connection as WAG #3 of the Nomads is unmatched. One third of the “triplets” you’ll spot this guy at every club night and no HPS lectures. While constantly running away from the fact that half of CUWHC wants to marry him, his skiing ability is atrocious and is almost as slow as his chop time. (x) may well win us varsity but it’s almost certain that (x) will win the social.
There we are, use the inspiration wisely. Unfortunately, parents and sponsors alike semi-read this so the chat can’t be toooo off side (that’s what the Instagram profiles are for). Anyway, that’s me over and out. Send me your answers to win a 4- for-£10. If you don’t know who I am I don’t know many more clues I can give. Enoy the rest of the season, smash Oxf*rd, don’t shark (this seems particularly prolific from a certain skipper)
Home Fixtures!
Rover vs Ely City 1s - 11:30
Mblues vs Cambridge 1s - 13:00
Wandies vs Cam City 2s - 14:30
Squandies vs Cam Nomads 2s - 16:00
Away Fixtures
Nomads vs Saffron Walden 1s - 13:30
Beds vs Cambridge South 2s - 13:30
Blundies vs St Neots 2s - 13:00
Lots of love xxxx
IWBBFHE, GE, IFLTNAWAS,
We will do our best to get back to you as soon as possible.
