Dearest CUHC,
A bit of light bedtime reading for you all! For those of you blissfully unaware, the CUHC hunger games is an annual event contained in weekend previews. I’m not sure when this started, or who started it, I just remember reading a cinematic masterpiece by Alfred Pritchcock in my first year. And now I am inspired. Unfortunately, Pritch never finished his story, and last year’s ended with the entirety of the Wandies winning. So as promised in the club captain manifestos, it is back, returning in the form of a trilogy including as many people we can possibly fit in! And we promise a sole survivor. How lucky are you all! (Apologies to any english student out there and the crimes about to be committed against the art of story telling)
The CUHC Hunger Games Part 1: (M)ocking(J)ay
The sun hung low over Cambridge, casting long shadows across desolate streets once filled with annoying amounts of tourists. Wilby’s pleasant pastures green shined brighter than ever, likely because it had frozen over again. What a day for it.
128 eager players emerged into the light of a fine wilby evening, clad in their best stash and mismatched kit. Some were in black tie or BWB, they had nibbled on the dress code once again. Others were wearing their brand new Y1 fleeces and shorts (which you can order now on CUHC social, deadline today). It was well and truely time for another year of chokeslammery.
Upon rising from his pod, Cbatts suddenly realises that there are far too many women around. It all gets too much for brave brave sir Battered and he feints, falling off his pedestal and becoming the first to be eliminated from the CUHC hunger games.
The now 127 participants all run to the Cornucopia, apart from Theo who is explaining how the games will play out by using only himself as an example to run through the events. The wandies pause for a second, finding this amusing. That is apart from MJ who has already acquired a hockey stick and a crate of balls. Mayhem ensues as Connor continuously stops balls and MJ flicks them at oncoming participants, taking out many.
Siân decides the best way to escape would be over the fence. A grave mistake as a misplaced drag flick from Kyrill hits her. In a turn of events, Siân is fine as the drag flick was unsurprisingly not going very fast. She successfully escapes. Following that poor display, Connor decides that Kyrill must be taken out because the rule of “stops don’t count as assists on fantasy” isn’t fair. In the crossfire of this battle, a shiny saturn dispatched by Kyrill lightly taps Blewis’ head, yet he immediately falls to the damage and is taken to addies. He later succumbs to this dramatic head injury. This pleases Connor and Kyrill is spared.
After realising that MJ’s ball crate was in fact owned by the beds, Jojo is furious. Her fit of rage leads to MJ’s phone being thrown into a wall. He reaches for it only to be attacked from behind by the rest of the beds who strangle him with fun socks provided by Anna. With the wandie top goal scorer finally gone, Connor is terrified for his varsity hopes forcing him to flee the scene. We don’t see him or Julia until the sequel. Unfortunately, in the midst of this battle, Kani lost a fist fight to Peter Dinklage, who had broken into the games. Other notable deaths include BJ, who Rowlands takes to Fun dungeon to mew for him. He does not. “Displeasing” - Rowlands mutters and drowns him in a keg of mead.
To get away from Wilby and the danger that was MJ, many CUHC members found expert ways to escape. Sophie Casey, being chased by the police, got out through the fields at the back of wilby. Meanwhile, every single blundie makes a great escape in the blunderbus. That is apart from Rhys who they leave behind for being under 18. Rowlands takes Rhys out. Poor from the blundies. Camilla leaves in her car unfortunately driving under a tractor and we do not see the wblues yet as they are busy nibbling on a varsity article by Joss Heddle-Bacon. Rest assured that they are successful in burning down the varsity publication LTD building. Ted lurking in Varsity Publication LTD is caught in the blaze. Poor guy doesn’t even go here.
Femi, attached at the leg to Ciara and Toby, starts running at full speed towards a group of nomads. The Femi Bulldozer takes out two unsuspecting players as the rest start to run. Famously, you don’t have to be the fastest you just can’t be the slowest so Harry Neal kicks second year Jenna’s knee. She is now the slowest. In an unsurprising turn of events, Toby is taken out in collateral damage and Ciara is attacked by a leaf.
Following the excitement that was the Cornucopia “bloodbath”, CUHC set up camps for the night in alliances. Most notably, a group of wandies had set up in Catz’ set rooms. A seemingly safe location for the night. They shared stories of new younger brothers (congrats Grimmy!), fines antics and things that happened back in their day. Practically dying of thirst, Felix proposes a box and his wish was granted. The group of wandies played many drinking games deep into the night. However, after a few gasps, and a failure to top law tripos, Poulston fell to the floor. It was then that the wandies realised that Wolvers had poisoned the box again. The Wandies have been taken out. Even though Freddie G only used it as mouthwash, it was lethal. 6 cannon shots could be heard across Cambridge.
Elsewhere, Femi’s rampage continues into the night, he takes out two more beds and is confronted by the beds coach himself, Wolvers. The stand off is for the ages. Femi steals Cal’s pocket from his expensive shirt and charges at him. Cal replies by throwing Mara off his shoulders in an attempt to distract Femi. This leaves Cal upset, taking Mara home where she sadly passes in an oscar winning scene. Unfortunately for Cal, Femi eyes up a serving of carotid kebab leaving Cal out of the games. From the build up of toxicity in Cal’s blood, Femi undergoes an excruciating transition. His hairline recedes, teeth protrude and he loses all ability to fine sec. Will-he-by able to carry on?
To be continued after Christmas…
Movember
We are currently sat on £815 meaning the following wilby happening!
I'm excited to see these I must say, but let's get even more raised! I really want Theo to go bald as I know how great it is! I have prayed for times like these. Keep sending your link or the team link to family members so they can donate masses of money! (https://uk.movember.com/team/2406299?utm_source=qrcode&utm_medium=mo_app&utm_campaign=movember&utm_content=app_share_teamspace_qr)
Massive shoutout to Jamie Carrathurs for already raising £300! That is incredible! And I'm sure everyone saw the great display (or "ridiculous farce") that was Stubbo and Barclay's Wine half marathon last night. I think we can say that they absolutely love men's mental health!
Fixtures
This week offers a prime opportunity for a wilby day with games from 10:30 to 6:30! Get down and support!
PITCH 1
10:30 - Nomads vs Cam South 1s
12:30 - Wblues vs Cam City 1s
14:00 - Mblues vs Norwich City 2s
15:30 - Wandies vs Wisbech Town 1s
PITCH 2
17:00 - Beds vs Cam South 3s
PITCH 3
14:30 - Squandies vs Long Sutton 2s
AWAY
12:30 - Blundies vs Spalding 3s
13:00 - Rovers vs Long Sutton 1s
Happiest PMBing,
Blewis and Garrod
We will do our best to get back to you as soon as possible.
