Weekend Preview: The CUHC Nativity

Dearest CUHC,  

Rather than repeat the many CUHC versions of 12 days of Christmas for this email (they are all great btw) I thought what better way to preview the weekend than the CUHC version of the Nativity story. I have to admit I had a tiny bit of help for this one from Mr GPT (I do have a diss to be getting on with) but the vast majority had to be edited. Sorry if these bits of CUHC chat are now floating around on the internet somewhere. 

Good luck for all games this weekend, I can’t wait to celebrate and see everyone at Christmas dinner! If you get a chance on Sunday a really nice thing to do before is go to a carol service as a team, I would highly recommend. 

Final day of Movember 

Get donating / encouraging people to donate, we are into the final couple of days of Movember. Current standings are at £1,071 – a pretty good number meaning that 10 CUWHC freshers are getting piercings and 20+1 CUMHC freshers are getting eyebrow slits. Wilf is also getting a bleached buzz (no one will know he’s naturally brunette now). And if we can get up to £1,500 part of the following nativity story may actually come true…

The CUHC Nativity Story

The Annunciation

Alicia was minding her own business writing emails in Bridgerton format when an angel appeared. The angel Georgia appeared, wearing Ospreys committee stash and wielding control over the WBlues, declared: 

"Fear not, Alicia! You shall play the starring role in this year’s club nativity. By decree of the president, the club is recreating the birth of hockey holiness itself. You, Alicia, will play Mary."

Alicia immediately protested.

"Me? Mary? But why? I’m not even in a relationship yet alone married” 

The angel replied, “yeah the strictly player - coach relationship, I’ve heard that one before. This is exactly the reason you will play Mary”  

The Census in Long Sutton

All hockey players were ordered to go to their ancestral home for a census. For most of the Rovers, this meant traveling to the fabled land of Long Sutton—a place where dreams went to die, along with everyone’s first touch. 

The president, not satisfied with the transportation options available, took matters into her own hands, deciding to travel by emergency donkey, a much more efficient way to get to her placement the next morning. 

The Birth

Back in Cam, Alicia (Mary) and her carpenter (architecture student) husband Joseph (Fredsher) searched for a place to stay. They knocked on the doors of various pubs, but were turned away by bar staff.

Finally, they found a stable. Well, more like the storage cupboard of Hawks. It smelled like stale toma and regret, but it would do. They couldn’t even make it to the lounge as there was a Rovers coach asleep in the corner.

That night, baby Jesus was born—played by a hockey ball cradled in a CUHC cap someone nicked from the kit shed.

The Wise Blokes Arrive

Three Wise Blokes—Cal Wolvers, Theo, and a varsity writer named Joss—followed a star (or at least the floodlights of Wilby) to the stable.

Cal, who had earned the title of Most Unpopular Bloke in the Club after stealing someone’s shin pads and making them cry, carried the gift (secret santa) of Myrrh.

“What is Myrrh?” someone asked.

“It’s like Vicks Vaporub,” he muttered.

Theo arrived next, freshly shaved and gleaming like a seal. His aerodynamic head was the gift.

“Why do you look like you’re training for the Olympics?” Pritch asked.

“Speed is my lifestyle,” Theo replied, patting his own shiny scalp.

Finally, Joss brought frankincense—but not before muttering about how this whole nativity was a farce and the cast were spluttering through it. 

The angel, not wanting to feel left out, presented a gift of her own: a spreadsheet. “This is a five-year plan for club domination,” she declared. “You’re welcome.” 

The Beds Win a Game 

The biggest miracle of the evening came when the Beds stormed into the stable.

“We won a game!” they shouted, hoisting their sticks triumphantly.

“Wait, what?” Barclay asked. “How?”

“No own goals, no yellow cards, and we only missed three open goals,” said Dobbie.

“Was it a walkover?” Cal asked skeptically.

“Absolutely not!” she insisted, though no one believed her.

The Shepherds and the Missing Balls

While this was happening, a group of shepherds (the Rovers) arrived late to the scene.

“Sorry, lads, we left our balls in Long Sutton,” they said, looking sheepish.

Despite this the Rover’s were not even the latest to the scene. Reports were heard that Stubbs & Barclay were drunken and lost running around central Cambridge, as were the Nomads who were so disorientated from their Tequila 10km they only just stumbled in in time. 

The Finale

As hockey gathered around the cap-wrapped ball, a sense of camaraderie filled the room. Sure, Jenna was still sitting on the floor after another fall, and Pritch was calling everyone “mate” because he’d forgotten their actual names—but it was Christmas.

And in the grand tradition of the hockey club, they ended the night as they always did—singing slurred carols (white flag) at the top of their lungs. 

Moral of the Story:

No matter how many falls, small jibes, or lost ball bags, CUHC will always find a way to celebrate together, sometimes too closely. (this bit was definitely Chat GPT - I take no credit for the corniness). Enjoy the festivities, I pray everyone follows the north star all the way to Kiki’s and home safely. 

Merry Bridgemas! 

Christmas dinner!! 

I’m sure I’m not alone in being SO excited for christmas dinner (even more so that I haven’t been organising it this year - thanks Libs & Henry you’ve done a stella job). As per Henry’s post on CUHC social please arrive at Revs for 7pm ready for a double club night of Revs & Kiki’s!!!! Don’t pre tooooo hard, you want to make it to dessert. Last year the Nomads finally managed this! This year, as promised, we’re running our ‘Tequila 10km’ for Movember just before - so there’s no telling who will or won’t make it. 2pm start at wilby probably running along the path to the sports centre - spectators welcome. 

On the note of gifts, if you’ve signed up to Secret Santa be a good, wise bloke / wbloke and remember to buy one! There’s nothing more sad than waiting in anticipation for your My Little Pony colouring in book, Covid face shield, or rock wrapped in a scarf, to receive nothing. Don’t ruin someone’s night, if you’ve signed up make sure to get one! 

Fixtures 

Home: 

Blundies v March Town 2s @ 10:30 

WBlues v Cannock @ 12:30 

MBlues v Cam City 2s @ 14:00

Nomads v Ipswich & East Suffolk @ 15:30 

Beds v Cam City 5s @ 17:00

Away: 

Rovers v Kettering 2s @ 10:00

Wandies v CoP 2s @ 14:30 

Squandies v Cam City 4s @ 15:00 

Merry Bridgemas, 

Gaz & Blewis